Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
