I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
