I heard we made out
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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