i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
