im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Randomize
