we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
