I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
