Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
