is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
