I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
