I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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