omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
