I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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