he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
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