What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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