what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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