my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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