Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
