You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
