fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
