i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
