the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
