somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
