my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
My vagina just recognized that song.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Boobs are out for the taking
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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