shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Randomize
