saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
