It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
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