Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
