If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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