you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Randomize
