I think my vagina is haunted
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
