I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
