Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
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