I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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