i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
