just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
