my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
