I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Randomize
