remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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