some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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