i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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