if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
