I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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