I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
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