Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
