Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
