standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
he quoted the bible to break up with me
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Randomize
