her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
