i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
