Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
