On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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