Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
